


& fragile bones.

by rushifaas



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, Pining, Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Therapy, Time Loop, Time Travel Fix-It, Trans Male Character, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27486034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rushifaas/pseuds/rushifaas
Summary: you think you're curing a disease? you think you got the answers to vaccines?you take my fragile bones and make them your own.you're making me hate me.you'll never save me.OR: somehow, for some reason, time keeps looping and it is the reason that lelouch vi britannia is hollow inside, the reason why suzaku kururugi is becoming determined and empty, euphemia is trying to change her death to fix her knight and brother,  and c.c. can only pray to god some more. time keeps looping when suzaku stabs him with that cursed blade on zero requiem. but nothing seems to change when lelouch keeps hitting the ground next to nunnally.
Relationships: Euphemia li Britannia & Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia, Euphemia li Britannia/Kururugi Suzaku, Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Comments: 19
Kudos: 56





	1. you'll never save me.

**Author's Note:**

> to be fair, this was written in depression and will be continued as a time loop/time travel series. since the world sucks and our mental state sucks, this will be updated frequently. it will be depressing and happy as it can get for these traumatized characters. 
> 
> don't worry.   
> there will be a way to stop the loop when suzaku finally stops stabbing lelouch, when the script is finally broken.

lelouch vi britannia was dead, a name long forgotten and a future uncertain. 

he likes to think it started before meeting suzaku kururugi, before his disgusting mother had been shot to a pulp when v.v. became jealous of her and his father. no, lelouch thinks its because he was cursed to suffer left and right, watching as the world either went too fast or too slow.

he likes to think nunnally was the one gift that rectified his existence. lelouch was too different compared to older siblings and his two younger sisters only ever latched onto him. it was, to say, perplexing. and even when he and dearest nunnally were sent to exile in japan, he felt hollow and empty -- void of anything besides the need to keep his blind, crippled sister safe and alive.

lelouch knew that one day his dearest nunnally would be the most beloved in the gentle world she deserved. what became the icing on the cake was when he picked up the mantle of zero -  _ hero for japan and hater of britannia _ \- he lost himself in the self loathing of his existence. his own self purpose hardly existed since nunnally had been the driving factor.  _ always _ . so when suzaku kururugi entered the picture? it was a pain. why so? two people he considered dearer than he deserved the world, for he had to shape it so they couldn't suffer anymore. 

he knew that he himself deserved nothing of the sort. lelouch knew he wasn't deserving of a genuine life after hiding and lying just to survive. he became apathetic to this when the hurt became too much for him. nunnally didn't need to know his pain because she became strong due to her own. it wasn't her role to bear his burdens just to make it easier on him.

so when suzaku presses the gun against his chest when his unmasking finally happens, lelouch smiles bitterly. the anger and rage suzaku feels for the unseenly death of euphemia would be always directed to him and lelouch just accepts it. part of him thinks he and suzaku couldn't ever be something when suzaku drifts. all lelouch did was become numb to the point he's even surprised that suzaku had an inkling he was zero all along. 

an existence that wasn't supposed to be here, just a mistake.

he tells suzaku  _ i know _ despite the trigger reaction of him pointing his gun at suzaku with his heart hurting and adrenaline spiking. he doesn't notice how hollow he sounds when he screams suzaku's name because he's so far away from him, emotionally and mentally, that all he can see was his body just acting on it's own. then next thing he knew was he had been dragged to charles, still hollow and empty even as he speaks in anger and disbelief.

charles has the geass and fear spikes because nunnally would be taken from him. he pleads and begs, but suzaku wants a promotion. this doesn't surprise lelouch nor does it hurt him, this betrayal. the most traumatizing thing was when nunnally and his mother ceased to exist in his messy fog of memories. if lelouch vi britannia surely was dead at birth he was dead again once more.

lelouch doesn't even move again when he and suzaku encounter another after charles and marianne vanish from existence. in fact he doesn't care when suzaku glares at him with such hatred that all he does is glare back with a  _ 'so what' _ when euphemia is brought up again. he stopped caring about the soul suzaku wanted to see again and lelouch turns with an expression that's set with determination in his eyes. 

his bones were fragile and his soul was lost, but he still will make this world for nunnally to bloom. if suzaku hadn't noticed, lelouch considers himself unable to be saved from anyone or anything. it was the price of becoming the devil.

geass in full maturity, lelouch doesn't think of anything besides making his existence useful outside of what came before. all the self loathing finally could be expelled in the form of the emperor he will become, bringing down the old so many can curse his name. 

after all, what's alive can never live without a soul.

he tells suzaku to  **leave him alone** when he makes him his knight during the announcement. lelouch doesn't care to look at suzaku like he was there since he is more emotionally distant from him and all of his being is off balance. it's himself against dearest nunnally and he laughs briefly, madness sinking in even as suzaku tosses him onto the floor. like trash that he had always been and that's fine. c.c. can't soothe what wasn't there, since there wasn't much to begin with.

when lelouch bows to nunnally, he realizes that when he takes that symbol of hatred, he is moving it from her and onto him. it will be alright even as he is close to shedding tears when he apologizes to her in her geass state. if he must have all hate him, it means even his dearest sister needs to as well. 

when suzaku confronts him on the zero requiem, begging him to choose another way, lelouch just gives him a thin and bitter smile. 

"this is for you, and your love for euphemia." 

he turns, the shocked expression never seen as he walks away. lelouch doesn't look back.

blood is all he can see now as he walks the path alone, his body ceasing to function when the world celebrates. he walks along the path with his footsteps leaving a faded trail as what was left of him began to dissipate under the weight of freedom. eventually he finds out that he is tired, glancing up when euphemia stares at him with worry in her eyes. he doesn't flinch when she takes his hand and squeezes it, tears falling down her cheeks. she was too kind.

she says she cried for him through it all, crying for suzaku as he pursued lelouch. she cries even more when lelouch gives her a blank expression, and euphemia hugs him close with her face buried in his shoulder. 

he stood there with his expression empty and she knows that the world was unfair to her brother and knight. and she apologizes when no one can help the emptiness he felt, and she tells him suzaku loves him but lelouch doesn't believe in any of that. 

after all, how can a soulless monster believe in anything after a long road of strife?


	2. I'll never bring back yesterday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loop #???
> 
> how will it end and begin?

he's first noticed that when he truly wasn't dead was when he jolts awake in one of his classrooms, where the teacher at present was speaking about a war that happened ages ago. there was that empty feeling once more when taking in deep breaths to regain his balance and, and --  _ oh _ . 

there's suzaku right over there and he feels his fingers curl and then straighten. he knows this part. this suzaku had eyes meant to watch him, to kill him if he shown any side of zero. and that's perfectly fine because he wonders if he should abide to the damn script anymore. lelouch knows they're holding nunnally away from him when rolo lamperouge was his replacement sibling. but no, lelouch can't lose either of them even if the script demands it. it doesn't matter that he attempts because all he does is fail.

"lulu? are you alright?" shirley's voice snaps him from his thoughts, lelouch glances over at the orange haired girl and… he feels his hands tremble, wanting to reach out and hug her close. but he doesn't so he smiles at her, "i'm just tired. do you want to join me for shopping for villetta's birthday?" and her cheeks flush while in the corner of his eyes he can see suzaku listening in. lelouch doesn't give him the time of day when he gathers his things to follow shirley out of the classroom.

suffocating. stifling. suzaku's presence was crushing him. 

"what do you think she'll like, lulu? she seems like a hard person to shop for." shirley nervously says as they walk together towards the student council room, attempting conversation. lelouch hums thoughtfully as he recalls that they got her some expensive wine…

but did that matter? when rolo, suzaku and viletta were watching his every move… did it matter if he followed through the same scripts? lelouch was no idiot and he desired something different. something different! something… different…

"lulu! there you are!"

he freezes when a familiar voice fills him with dread, heart skips a beat and all that's next is pink slamming into him. a hug so tight as he fell to the floor, amethyst eyes blinking in his daze. shirley let out a squeak when she steps aside, stammering random words of surprise. lelouch lay there with his brain buzzing as the oh so familiar face of euphemia li britannia peered down at him with a gleeful smile. 

wait. 

_ euphemia _ \-- ??

"aren't you the royal p-princess?" shirley squeaks and euphemia looked up to shake her head. she didn't get off lelouch, hugging him close with her face full of smiles. it was suffice to say that lelouch was confused because euphemia was to be dead, not alive and. and what was going on? this didn't happen the last time as memory serves him right when she fell to the ground, covered in blood. to see her here was surreal and he feels time slow around him, the ticking of the clock echoed in his ear drums. she was alive when she should be dead. 

euphemia giggles, "i abandoned my royal title long ago! just call me euphi, okay?" she helps lelouch to his feet, though he can feel her beaming at him. lelouch stares blankly at the one he deems half sister, having been dead and the sole cause for suzaku's rage. this never made sense whatsoever because she was dead last time, and the time before that. so when the pink ex princess cuddles up to lelouch, shirley could only stare with her mouth agape. she was certainly confused, biting her bottom lip.

"come, big brother! we have so much to talk about!" 

lelouch could only let her drag him, giving his other friend a sympathetic look. honestly, he had no idea either.

◇◇

suzaku felt anger in his heart when he woke up that day. it was strange to feel such an emotion after feeling nothing at all but sorrow when zero requiem came but now? the anger and heartache hits him like a ton of bricks. 

class had been a plethora of mixed emotions when he entered his classes, the status of him being a knight of the round already became news. so did when he fought opposing knightmare frames that didn't agree with him taking such a position… yes, it was all there. which meant euphemia would have been dead because of zero's accident -- no,  _ lelouch's accident _ . if he had to be honest being in the same room as lelouch made him fidget slightly because of many factors.

one, was that they both knew this wasn't real.

two, lelouch hated him for turning him into his father and putting nunnally far from him.

three, lelouch has spiraled deeper into depravity that the damned world would be better thanks to his murder.

( "lelouch never murdered your precious little princess." c.c. tells the knight of zero as she walks by him, pizza box in hand and an air of boredom. she doesn't have to see that suzaku tenses at her words and she just keeps on talking. 

"stop being so angry and put all that energy into protecting lelouch from the world and  _ yourself _ . it'll save us a lot of time. grief, too." )

but this time. this time lelouch treats him like a stranger as he walks out with shirley and it causes suzaku to stare blankly at his desk. if one took away his anger, what did suzaku have left? just his emptiness that his crippling self loathing would come afterwards. that anger is still there but, but there was a longing and fear. fear of losing lelouch again and --

"oi, suzaku, you look like you're going to throw up!" rivalz calls out, shaking suzaku by the shoulder. suzaku jolts briefly before getting up from his chair to turn to face rivalz.

"where is lelouch going?"

"huh? student council room." 

suzaku bolts out of the classroom because he knows, he knows that villetta is watching and that rolo was just --  _ ah, speak of the devil _ .

"kururugi, why are you in such a hurry?" the so called younger lamperouge steps from the shadows as his empty eyes watch suzaku. he never liked suzaku, especially since he has bonded more with lelouch. the damned kid got in his way in the end but… suzaku inhales before just staring at rolo while flexing his fists at his sides. "is  _ big brother _ doing something unacceptable, kururugi? let me know so i can rectify it."

_ let me know so i can keep you away. keep you far away from  _ **_my world_ ** _.  _

"i want to talk to him, that's all. rolo, i don't have time to waste --" he stops himself and inhales deeply, not flinching when rolo presses the hidden blade of his switchblade against his throat. 

"you're a problem, suzaku kururugi. tell me why i shouldn't kill you. you caused big brother such pain over and over." so he remembers too. how many of them remembered? suzaku feels his mouth go dry as his gaze averts to the damned floors and he just. inhales. he knew how much of a hypocrite he had been as much as lelouch was. they both thought themselves as heros of their own stories and it just… with a steady hand he pushes the switchblade away with the muscles of his jaw tightening.

yeah.. he did cause lelouch so much pain intentionally while lelouch didn't mean to. but he lied about it and lying just caused suzaku to feel less than a friend.  _ friend _ . were they still friends afrer so long? after so much pain? the way lelouch looked at him had drastically changed, in a way that it  **hurt** . "i just need to talk to him, rolo. don't get in my way."  _ please _ . and of course rolo just opts to join him to the student council room just because the distrust is there.

was he a knight of the round or the knight of zero? which was more important once again? loyalty to a dead princess or loyalty to the demon emperor that stared at the stars that guided many to the heavens? 

the student council room was filled with chatter and he freezes at the familiar voice. 

"lulu. we can do the special administration zone this time around! i'm going to make sure zero and i work! wouldn't suzaku be pleased, too?"

"euphy…"

"last time was a mistake, i know! an accident! but look, i'm here, lulu. still here. don't you see? we can try again." 

rolo stares at suzaku with an empty stare before quietly opening the door so the two can enter. suzaku was rooted in the spot which causes rolo to roll his eyes, shoving him inside. and of course suzaku makes a startled sound which of course causes both euphemia and lelouch to turn. 

lelouch instantly looked away while euphemia rushes over, quickly embracing a startled suzaku. suzaku didn't know which hurt the most: euphemia's tender loving hug or lelouch plainly ignoring him by speaking with rolo. his brain was overloading with so many thoughts and emotions that he feels like he needs to shut down just to process --

"we have so much to talk about! and we can try the special zone again! for you and for lulu!" euphemia is too happy, so positive that this would work. suzaku stares at her with a blank expression as his brain tries so hard to catch up to the present. zero requiem had taught him so many things and that he knew that euphemia's plan wouldn't work. no. he learned after charles' and marianne's extreme dream of a painless world that there would be those that would try to stop them.

this couldn't happen because that gut feeling makes his brain churn with unpleasant visions. if lelouch wouldn't be the one to kill euphemia then another rebel would. this leaves his mouth dry and suzaku can't help but glance at lelouch just to see --  _ see what _ ? anything.  **something** . he doesn't want to have lelouch slip away from his fingers and lose him again. he knew he fucked up and lelouch did things he shouldn't ever have to. there had to be a way for an ending that didn't end with lelouch's blood covering his shaking hands. 

"pardon, i have to leave with rolo. i have some errands to run." lelouch sounds distant and thoughtful, rolo keeping close to him. there wasn't any other goodbyes when rolo escorts lelouch out of the council room with a sharp glare at suzaku's way.  _ a warning _ . suzaku narrowed his eyes in response as the two lamperouge's (  _ no, no.  _ **_britannian_ ** . ) leave them behind. 

he wants to reach out towards lelouch's retreating back. he wants to get on one knee and pledge his loyalty to lelouch, wants to rest his head on his knee. 

how many times did he have to fail? what can he do?

◇◇

"lelouch, you can't see kururugi anymore. you know why. we can find nunnally. you remember too, don't you?" the young assassin brings up as they enter their household while his eyes were careful to make sure no cameras had been spying. he knew that lelouch knew about the whole special team meant to monitor him. and of course there was lelouch being aloof which was not the norm and he knew after so many repeats… when will lelouch return to how he used to be? calm. gentle. confident. loud. theatric. 

when did lelouch become so empty and hollow? what did he miss when he finally noticed those amethyst fires dull considerably? hell. lelouch became distant with him for some reason when  _ he knew _ he cherished their bond. rolo leans against his older brother's back when lelouch doesn't respond and he doesn't feel that reflexive tense posture he knew. it troubled rolo that lelouch was so lifeless as if he were just a puppet whose brain was on autopilot. 

was this because of the geass? he had watched to the end when suzaku killed lelouch in that parade, feeling nothing but anger as he shouts at his brother to rethink the requiem. but of course… being in c's world meant the dead cannot be heard. so he was shouting and yelling in vain. "lelouch. can i see your scar?" his voice was quiet as if he spoke any louder that it'd break the fragile peace. 

so when lelouch obliges and rolo helps take off his uniform too, the clothing falls to reveal his slender frame. porcelain colored skin with too surgery scars and the ugly scar (  _ where suzaku had pierced that damn sword  _ ) were revealed. "do you feel any pain?" phantom pains plagued his older brother from the wound. he may have not witnessed the actual murder in person but it still caused his heart pain to see it bright and red in front of him. careful fingers now travel towards the desk, opening drawers to take out some soothing ointment for his older brother. the young lamperouge remembers the sharp pains his older brother would get from the previous loops and many would have thought he had a heart issue. even villetta gained her suspicions once in awhile when lelouch’s pain was caught on camera. 

almost like a birds soft feathery wing does rolo rub the ointment on lelouch’s scar, watching carefully as his older brother stared distantly. he understood now even if it took many time loops. the repeating script that caused lelouch to eventually be a puppet to his own path that… that rolo could tell it wasn’t really lelouch anymore. whatever was left was just a husk that held no soul because even if it took awhile for rolo to understand, he knew that this wasn’t what lelouch really wanted. he’s seen it. he’s witnessed it. 

“what should we make for dinner, big brother?” his voice is calm and collected as usual despite the anxiety in his heart. would the script remain the same where he dies protecting the brother he loves so much or would this time be different -- if the gods would allow it? he watches as the husk of his brother inhales softly and lift his head, eyes dull while in thought. 

food… how long was it since he had his own meal? without rolo ever reminding him? the gears in his brain began to turn as he truly considered, although with baited breath.

“hm. perhaps some chicken alfredo.” simple to make and didn’t have to think so much on it. his hands would just go with the motions as his brain was on autopilot. this is what he had been reduced to after so, so long and it was a wonder why he had to suffer like this. had this been his atonement for ruining the world before tearing it’s foundation to create a better place? then it would have been fine because he promised suzaku that’s what the zero requiem was for. atonement for his sins and killing euphemia. after rolo seemed pleased with the answer, he helped lelouch undress and dress into a casual white shirt and slacks, escorting him back to the living room. 

“no, i’ll be cooking big brother. i know how to, learning from the best.” rolo says when lelouch gave him a confused look, opening his mouth to protest. the young assassin gently pushes him back onto the couch with a small kiss on his temple -- a short simple gesture of affection. he cannot let his older brother overwork and become a slave to his own daily routine… even when it was too late to realize the alarming red flags. even as an empty husk did his brother cry out for help, trying to do everything as zero. slender fingers brush dark bangs from lelouch’s eyes before turning and heading to the kitchen.

“please stay there, big brother.. i know how you feel.. just please stay there.”

time was idle, and lelouch didn’t want to be idle. being hollow just made him want to do something, anything to keep his body moving so his brain didn’t have to think. what was the point to think either way when he knew what would come next? eventually, sooner or later, people close to him would get harmed and he’ll suffer even more. being emperor wasn’t entirely cathartic when he had to bear the burden. no, it was still so heavy and the weight of that title causes his lungs to struggle to breathe. even right now he knew someone, namely kallen, would come and try to reclaim him. c.c. herself would appear and bring him back.

a script. 

a well planted script.

now… euphemia… what to do with her? did he care to think about it? she wants to have the saz… but it'd never work. knowing this would surely lead to euphemia's death once more even without his influence. amethyst eyes stare at his hands blankly with his mind unable to conjure up any plans or back up plans. this was so quite unlike him and he knows it, but what can he do when it'll end up the same way?

◇◇

"suzaku, you look so tired." euphemia sighs as she runs fingers through her former knight's hair, as he rests his head on his lap. in her eyes she always seen him as her knight and close friend, along with possibly a lover. her eyes were trained on the tired face of this young man she grew to adore and cherish. his face was worn, exhausted as his chest lifts and then fell from his breathing. 

her fingers trailed to his cheekbones with a soft smile, "suzaku. do you remember when i ordered you to love me?" she tilts her head to the side and she can feel him tense slightly. perhaps it was too soon for her to ask? euphemia knew there must be some love between them, but.. .

"do you love me still or, do you love my brother?" does he love lelouch instead? sure it'd hurt her yet she knew she couldn't just take away their bond. a small inhale. "i mean to ask… what are we, suzaku? i'm no longer a royal princess and you are no knight…"

suzaku swallowed thickly as he tries to understand what this meant to him. did he have loyalty to this pink princess or did it remain to his demon emperor? when had this become so hard when he often placed euphemia first before? or was it because the pain of ending lelouch's life shift his feelings? cheeks were burning from the guilt and shame because…

his emerald eyes open with budding tears. 

"euphemia… i need… we need to talk."


	3. make me feel perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some NSFW at the end and some changes in the script. can't wait to reveal how this loop ends in a chapter or two.

kallen found him once again in the casino, wearing the ridiculous bunny uniform but he was dragged away from his younger brother that had insisted that he'd tag along. in a way he's grateful that his brother tugs him away from the mess caused by 'terrorists' since he didn't want to watch kallen's certain… assets in motion. running isn't his strong point either but he managed to pace himself as rolo leads him, hearing kallen shouting for him to wait. the exiled prince knew this was where his geass returns from it's dormant state. rolo knows of it too. 

"i know, i'll have to cover for you when you get underground. c.c. would be coming as well, right?" rolo has them approach an elevator during the crowd, the casino tower shaking from the explosions above. they found a loophole in this particular script, where lelouch can seek c.c. while he assassinated the soldiers that pursued. plus, rolo can take back the daily log that lelouch often wrote in - just for the sake of his dignity. once again  _ another reason _ to detest suzaku kururugi. 

his fondness was from laying eyes on  _ julius kingsley _ , who was just a victim like the rest of them. yes, lelouch had caused problems as zero using the geass  _ but so did he _ . rolo hated how he got the free pass with his own geass when lelouch was subjected to … no. he doesn't want to think about it.

"don't be so slow, big brother. immortal or not, the witch has less patience than you think." rolo warns him in a steady voice when the elevator doors open.

where  **many** civilians (  _ britannians and elevens alike _ ) would be slaughtered by the very people that gave them privilege. 

lelouch stumbles out of the elevator, following the crowd where he knew he'd be stalked. his body felt empty as he moves, not really focusing on his surroundings. step here. step there.  _ oh _ , the sound of gun shots can be heard and people scream. the stench of blood didn't even faze lelouch when he kneels down next to a dying woman. his mouth is moving as words were being shouted as he can feel his head hurting. 

_ geass, geass, geass. _

then c.c. came piloting her own knightmare, stepping out like the fool she was. once again, shot and brought down with her body falling like a sack of potatoes. lelouch didn't have to feel the thrill of using the geass on the fools that pursued him, didn't feel the satisfaction as he stared at the bland display. all he knew was that zero was back, making it harder for him to keep undercover. 

"but you no longer need to hide. big brother, i got the location of nunnally." rolo says as he stands next to him, the coughing sounds of the witch heard as she gets back on her feet. amethyst eyes flick towards the bloody scene before him just as he turned with his jaw set. he had to do something about the black knights and suzaku, and find a way to keep rolo and nunnally alive. he's smart. 

c.c. sighs ever so dramatically as she finally approaches the two, "i was wondering when you'd do something, rolo. you won't cause issues this time, no?" 

"don't kill shirley this time, rolo. she knows."  _ she is harmless _ , lelouch thinks bitterly as he remembers her death and how he begged her to stay alive. she loves him and he does in return, but not in the way she'd like. so as the three leave the destruction caused by the imperial asshats, the next step was kallen. she ought to be here in the defiled building.

◇◇

"wait, where's lelouch!" suzaku slammed his fist against the table when he went to villeta and her team for answers. one thing after another kept happening, from euphemia's status of being alive to lelouch suddenly vanishing from their watch. he's not sure why he's upset -- is it because they lost sight of his emperor?  _ oh, lelouch. why do you never seek me out?! _

villetta gave him a scowl and suzaku barely listens to her when she goes on explaining something he could care less about. with a groan and another slam of his fist, the knight leaves the room with pulse pumping. wracking his brain for memories while opening and closing fists, suzaku remembers this was around the time the geass returns to lelouch.  _ fuck, fuck, fuck _ . swearing lowly under his breath in japanese he rushes to get out of the underground. 

( "you're against the idea of the administrative zone?! but you were so for it before!" euphemia gasps as she stares at suzaku, shock on her face. there was something like hurt in her gentle eyes and suzaku just remains steadfast. 

"i know now that it wouldn't have worked, euphi. many would die because of britannia's corruption. that's why…"

euphemia considers for a moment. "you… have a point. but i must know: would you be opposed if i joined zero?" she inquires and suzaku's eyes blinked. that's right. euphemia wanted to work with zero to help the japanese and… 

_ she wants to help lelouch again. _

"i…" suzaku realizes how dry his mouth is when euphemia stares at him. she was serious, unwavering because she deems it a purpose. her status of princess never meant anything hence  **abandoning** her royal title. but would she be safer even helping lelouch and his black knights? he never approved his methods since so many people died…

euphemia claps her hands.

"question for you, suzaku!"

"h-huh?"

"why do you excuse britannia's brutality and cruelty, but be so angry at my brother for his?" )

◇◇

ohgi and kallen seemed pleased about his return but kallen doesn't trust lelouch. only zero.

kallen bites her tongue when lelouch responds with a  _ zero and i are one in the same _ .

◇◇

the pain hits lelouch, where suzaku stabbed him, over and over. there's a voice in his head that seems to soothe and mock. 

lelouch doesn't bother to react when c.c. drags him to his bed, brows furrowed. she was worried but knew better to bring it up. 

◇◇

"lelouch."

"suzaku."

the two stare at another on top of the rooftop, the silence between them suffocating. suzaku takes a step forward and gets on one knee, fingers curling into fists. his jaw was set as well, eyes hard as he stares up at lelouch. 

"my emperor… lelouch. can you please let me join you?" his voice was firm but close to breaking. it took a conversation from his former princess to make him decide. he was hoping that lelouch would understand -- 

lelouch steps forward and places a gentle hand upon that messy brown hair, expression indifferent. this was a different part of the script, brain working to think of a plan. he licks his lips as he steps back and laughs softly. rolo would be so upset to know they were speaking to another but he never was a stickler for the rules. why did suzaku choose him instead of euphemia this time? did he truly have loyalty to him after all this time?

"suzaku… why are you here, offering yourself to me? you don't forgive me."  _ i want your forgiveness but i won't ask for it _ . he watches as suzaku slowly stands to his feet, closing in the distance between them. calloused hands grab gentle, slender ones and pulled his emperor close. warmth. alive. he doesn't know about the angry red scar that remained. the former emperor tenses against him but suzaku keeps him close.

"i pledged loyalty to you… plus, i."

_ euphemia told me everything. what i didn't see. _

"... you?"

( "lelouch never meant to kill me, suzaku. it was an accident." euphemia says as she stepped in front of the door, preventing suzaku from running away. she won't let suzaku run away from the reality and the truth.

suzaku gulped and he looks away, "euphemia… he still got you killed. if it weren't for the geass…"

euphemia huffed angrily, "suzaku!  _ stop that _ . you need to stop blaming lelouch! he already suffered by shooting me to stop me from murdering others! you don't want to kill him!  _ you love him _ !" her voice was shrill and suzaku winced at her change of tone.

"start to learn to forgive him, even if it's small! stop choosing not to!" 

suzaku wanted to scream and break down to cry. his feelings were conflicted, two parts of him battling another. one that wanted to kill lelouch and one that didn't want to. so when euphemia cups his cheeks and coos at him gently, he can't help but cry on her shoulder. ))

"... just let me try to understand, lelouch. let me try to understand your motives for what you did."

" … hah, you think you can understand it? look at you, so torn between killing me and following me." his voice was lack of emotion and suzaku wished for that dramatic flair to return once more. so when lelouch wiggles from his grasp, suzaku came closer with a determined expression. 

" **lelouch** ." a warning this time and lelouch would have scoffed if he had the energy to. suzaku didn't want to deal with any distance between them since their attraction was obvious, the obsession and this twisted love. something never meant for euphemia and he wonders briefly if he could have loved her any differently. did that matter? 

◇◇

suzaku realized that joining lelouch meant dealing with the black knights in person and by proxy taking the lancelot. this also meant taking cecile and lloyd, who was unwillingly working with rakshata. 

kallen had punched him twice in the face and then the gut, but it's nothing compared to the pain he felt on zero requiem. he let her deal those blows as she ranted about him being stupid, selling himself to a horrible empire. all he did was agree because he knew he was always stupid, it took a huge loss for things to change.

he'll suffer from some brusings.

◇◇

"since we have suzaku and euphemia joining us, cornelia will not be an issue."  _ zero _ announces to the black knights, all eyes were upon him. to his left was suzaku and to his right was euphemia. rolo as well took a hidden position due to his nature as an assassin. zero doesn't mind. 

ohgi is the first to voice concerns, "are you sure they're to be trusted? kururugi used to work for britannia."  _ not to mention kill most of our men _ .

tamaki raised a fist, "that traitor would sell us out! and that pinkie pink will do the same! why should we trust them?!"

concerned murmurs ripple in the base, glances soared towards the two new members. suzaku and euphemia looked absolutely unbothered by their remarks. zero had deemed this as good because they'll need that when the time comes. no need to explain something that wouldn't be required.

"excuse me! i abandoned my title as the stupid princess to work with japan and zero! i meant it when i said i wanted to free your people and others from my family's tyranny! don't be so closed minded like they are." euphemia puffed out her chest in annoyance and she reminded zero of one of those small roundish birds.

"and i joined because i realized i can't change the system from the inside. i've chosen my loyalties to zero." suzaku's voice was hard and firm, gaze sharp as steel. the gossipers chose to stop after that.

ohgi rubbed the back of his neck. "i just needed to know -- that last battle. why did you up and abandon us? we were close to winning." and hearing this spurred tamaki once more.

_ unfortunately _ .

"yeah, what ohgi just said! how could you ditch us like that?! i thought we were best buds!" 

zero sighs inwardly as he began to develop a headache. this would take awhile.

◇◇

kallen seemed to find euphemia's presence oddly strange. could someone be that soft and fragile but hold so much fire? the other black knight members seemed to easily warm up to her. could it be that euphemia was as kind as she lets on? 

"she's even got tamaki wanting to protect her." kallen snorts as she wipes her brow of sweat, pushing away from polishing some of the guren's armor. the ace watches as ohgi was explaining tactics to euphemia considering cornelia, as tamaki added on some useless commentary. euphemia had a look of wonder as she listened, nodding here and there. 

did she really understand what was being said? kallen can't help but sigh as she grabbed her water bottle to distract her conflicting thoughts. 

◇◇

"still beautiful as ever." suzaku murmurs against pale flesh, admiring the bite marks of ownership. lelouch lay on the desk, suzaku kneeled between long and slender legs. you could say there was an  _ unspoken _ hunger the knight felt when locking the door to this room a little earlier. his response was lelouch's soft breathing in which he placed a soft kiss on an inner thigh.

"lelouch… you're still beautiful even down here." his finger gently circles around his emperor's erect clit in which caused lelouch to let out a small noise. suzaku can't help but admire the stickiness of lelouch's arousal and the scent of his sex was intoxicating. 

lelouch breathes gently through his nose, "go ahead. i'm waiting for you." there was a small hint of emotion - hope - that makes his knight's heart flutter. no one else could have caught that small detail but they weren't suzaku. suzaku could hear it and he peppers kisses all around the slickness -- all while purposely avoiding the area of pleasure. 

suzaku can feel his erection throb against his uniform, hearing lelouch moan when he simply presses his tongue against his clit. the sound was like music to his ears, dragging his tongue up and down on the small bundle of nerves. lelouch's breathing was losing it's steady rhythm as he grasps the edges of his desk. suzaku uses his hands to grasp at those legs, spreading them so that his emperor's pussy was in full view. 

" _ \---suzaku _ !"

"shh." 

placing a kiss on his clit, he then uses his tongue to lap up lelouch's arousal; making sure to dive deep between soft folds and even teasing his tongue inside of him. the squeaky sound that left his emperor's lips causes him to whine inwardly. it doesn't help that his dick wanted to join lelouch and fit snugly inside. as if lelouch was just made for him.

but no, he wants to bath in his emperor's orgasm. so he works his tongue to thrust inside of lelouch, knowing it'd make him whine and beg. hell, suzaku swatted away the hand that wanted to rub at his aching clit.

"s-suzaku!"

"hmmmm?"

◇◇

"well. this isn't something i expected." unlocking the door was easy, the immortal witch deadpanning when she sees suzaku eating out her accomplice who seemed to be a mess. she smirks as they didn't even notice her presence -- nor the fact she seemed to be watching for a few minutes.

lelouch gasping and moaning suzaku's name like a mantra was highly amusing for her. the most life she had seen in him for all that it was worth. and even as suzaku pulls out his erect dick, she thinks he's a decent size. 

_ how does the desk not break? _ c.c. couldn't help but muse as suzaku climbs onto it, on top of lelouch and just simply grinding his dick between too slick folds. the witch tilts her head in wonder as the room began to smell like sex and those two saying each others names almost obsessively.

she then leaves and closes the door with a shrug. 

"what would have happened if someone else saw that? it would have been great blackmail material." 

oh well, she's just going to order some pizza while those two deal with their hormones. 

"hope they have some air fresheners."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, not sorry but suzaku and lelouch have an oral fixation and... *coughs, nudge nudge*


	4. safety of disbelief

guns were absolutely traumatizing. 

especially when one is pointed to his chest, right where his heart was.

lelouch feels the pain in his side when suzaku pushes him onto the graceful floor. he wore his zero costume, attending the royal party where suzaku joined with anya and gino. hell, schneizel seemed rather amused that suzaku had done such a thing. lelouch knew why suzaku had done it, reasoned with it but it still hurt. 

kallen was first to react, kicking the honorary knight off her charge. this causes gino to catch his comrade as anya records this, her eyes taking everything in.

marianne was watching everything, lelouch knew this. he knew his disgusting mother was there and it makes him feel disgust. 

"what unruly security you have! if i didn't know better, you all have a personal distaste for a masked crusader." he stands, laughter in his tone, his cape curling around him like a pair of wings. he was zero, the enemy britannia hated, he chose to wear the crown of the black king as britannia stained their pristine white with blood. his words causes the guests to bristle while some hid, shrunk against another at his words.

then the game of chess started, lelouch confident in his abilities. suzaku stares at him as if he hates him, tense posture. lelouch has to quietly praise him for being such a great actor as he and his older brother move their kings. 

guns were traumatizing, indeed. so traumatizing that he barely thinks of other possible dangers that could harm him. 

she never was able to get to him but for some reason she had been. he hadn't calculated that someone like her can remember even when the blade of the dagger is shoved deep into his side. his brain can't process as his hand stops in midair, fingers twitching in shock.

" _ FOR PRINCESS EUPHEMIA! YOU KILLED HER!  _ **_LELOUCH_ ** !"

nina's voice shrieked as she dug the blade deeper as blood dripped onto the seat and floor. her outburst caused many to murmur and scream, as schneizel stood up and yelled something as suzaku and kallen rushed over to a collapsed lelouch. 

the screams of euphemia as she rushed forward could be heard as lelouch's vision went black.

☆☆

"so, you knew who zero was this whole time." c.c. walks around nina, wearing a business suit with her hair put up in a bun. nina was sitting on a chair with her wrists cuffed together. a simple slap on the hand thinks the immortal witch, even as nina's shed tears didn't sway her. 

when learning that euphemia was still alive, the aspiring scientist collapsed and sobbed as they dragged zero away for interrogation. this was different from the usual script, even euphemia's presence seemed to have changed things. 

"he deserves it for everything he did! i hate him, i hate him…!"

☆☆

suzaku felt sick as his hands shook when he held the gun to lelouch's forehead, eyes  _ pleading _ for lelouch to forgive him. he can't execute lelouch on the spot as charles commands him. long ago he could've, long ago he should've. this was different and even lelouch's surprise matched his own. 

it was too soon, too early. 

"shoot him, and you'll become part of the rounds." charles' voice booms as it usually does, many britannian's watching. suzaku can hear their murmurs and degrading comments. once it would've impacted him to a high degree. 

suzaku felt his body act on it's own, shooting at the guards that came close to lelouch. suzaku can feel his brain screaming for him to 'live' as he grabs lelouch carefully, cradling him to his chest as he makes a mad dash for the exit. 

☆☆

"lelouch, can you hear me? lelouch, hey --" 

"suzaku! he needs his space! calm down!" cecile stands to block the soldier from entering the room. euphemia as well tries to restrain him back with a panicked wail. 

lelouch wasn't doing well, sickly pale just like euphemia was when she had been shot. the doctors didn't want anyone else to see lelouch in this state but they couldn't keep suzaku back as he rushed inside the room. the sound of suzaku letting out a choked wail as he sees the state of his other half, breathing shallow and unable to open his eyes. 

lelouch was pronounced dead later that night, with the plug dropping to the ground from suzaku's shaking hands.

_a simple mercy._

☆☆

the room was dimly lit with a single door, two elegant chairs and a table that had some drinks on it. two people were in the room: suzaku as the knight of seven and lelouch as the infamous demon emperor. a paradox in time as the _ tick tock's _ of an unseen grandfather clock echoed in such an eerie way. 

something was  _ terribly wrong _ .

"look at you." lelouch murmurs as he gazes at the one before him with such a gentle expression. he's used to seeing that stern glare. "have you slept well?" his voice soft as suzaku stands on his feet in alarm. 

"...you -- what the  _ fuck _ are you wearing, lelouch?" 

"sir kururugi, you wouldn't understand. you are always unable to."

a brief flash of surprise crossed suzaku's face at the title, as if something changed. it catches him off guard because --

" **lelouch** . i don't have time for your mind games. you're zero again aren't you? is that why you're wearing --"

lelouch gazed at the knight of seven with a wistful expression, the hollowness in his chest reminding him that they wouldn't remember these meetings. even as suzaku grabs him by the collar with hatred in his eyes, lelouch just tenderly smiles. he is so, so tired and he just wants it to end. the anger and hatred he and julius endured was enough. 

"it's almost time, sir kururugi. the clock will stop ticking and we leave once again."

" **stop** . pulling. me. around! why are you always lying and hurting people?! why are you always  **hurting me** ?!" the sound of his fist collides into lelouch's cheek. lelouch just takes it with a pained yet tender smile as his gaze falls to the majestic marbled floors. this is suzaku kururugi in a nutshell, full of impulsive actions and anger so hot like the vermillion firebird he's named after. 

lelouch (  _ and julius _ ) felt a single tear drip down his cheek. not from the pain but from their endless tragic cycle of hurt. he doesn't react when suzaku tosses him roughly onto the ground with a growl rumbling in his chest. the hatred and fire that kept his other half going was on display, as if flames were engulfing him. lelouch still felt ice cold.

suzaku watches as lelouch gets on his feet, brushing off the dirt. lelouch seems too distant even as the bruise forms on his face, a brief stinging pain hitting his gut. " _ where _ \-- where the hell are  **_you_ ** going? don't think i'll let you go off easily." suzaku went to grab at lelouch's wrist, only to grasp bones of a skeleton. he freezes and stares with face paling, his own hand nothing but bone. 

what was even worse was when lelouch manages to break free from his grasp, gliding across the floor and reaching the door. 

the sound of the unseen grandfather clock stopped.

☆☆

julius sighs as he slumps against the wall, headache returning and a voice telling him to run. pain bounced in his mind as he tries to hurry through the halls to meet up with his beloved father, eager to see what he can do. ever since the horrible attempt on his life that rendered his left eye useless, he had been bedridden for quite some time. 

"kururugi! by my side, now!" julius barks, hearing the familiar footsteps of his appointed knight following him. he grins despite the pain shooting in his frontal lobe, "there you are. like the good dog you are." he praises despite suzaku seemingly wanting to strangle him. julius hums as he staggers slightly down the hall as his swimming vision slowly became clear. 

it took some time to meet his father in the throne room like an eager child, promising to uphold better than his pathetic crippled sister and dead mother. the true lelouch would never believe in those thoughts. 

and suzaku watches as julius is praised and given orders to test him before given a big project. suzaku remains still and expressionless despite the inner turmoil in his gut. there's a voice in the back of his mind that tells him to grab the prince, to yank off the eyepatch and to awaken that geass once more. those thoughts appalled suzaku to the point he was bewildered. why would he think that? lelouch needed to suffer for the sins he committed. 

"i won't fail you, your majesty. i swear on the glory of britannia." julius reverently says, suzaku's attention now caught. he sees the prince approach him with a too gleeful expression on that stupid face. 

but this was wrong and he knows it so he turns a blind eye. no matter how awful it was, lelouch had to pay for euphemia's death.

☆☆

suzaku felt his heart stop when julius (  _ no, lelouch it's still lelouch _ ) tells him they were to rid of the eleven's to get rid of any rebellion and support of zero. 

but zero was right here with him, gleeful in the concept of genocide on the remaining japanese. suzaku wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, scream at him to stop. this isn't right. there shouldn't be an excited look on lelouch's face as they boarded the private train, shouldn't be lelouch babbling different scenarios of how to rid such lowly vermin. 

they shouldn't even be here in the first place.


	5. intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sandman rides in with his train full of stars.
> 
> intermission chapter, happy belated new years.

he doesn't understand the phantom pains he feels when he plays chess with a general he could care less about. julius hates it because retreating to his chambers and curl up was quite a shameful feeling. it doesn't help when kururugi stares down at him with hatred as he suffers, as if it didn't mean anything. it should! he was the beloved son of the imperial majesty how dare he just stand there…

" _ kururugi… _ please. need my medication and water…" his voice is raspy as he tries to look at him from the luxurious bed that he slumbers in. there isn't much of a reaction as the knight of seven remains steadfast in his spot with his glare unwavering. a hatred meant for him, no one else, while the universe hated him.

seeing that he'd get nothing from the damned knight, irritation spikes and mingles with his damned pain. normally he'd kick the damn dog to make him obey and the dog can't fight back unless his father were to hear of it! it didn't take long when a flash of colors from his pained bundle of nerves hits his mind's eye and he blacks out.

☆☆

rolo stares down at villetta's body after he slits her throat open, cleaning his dagger of her blood with a purple rag. he remembers what's happening as of now, that v.v. wanted nothing but lelouch dead and lelouch was somewhere in euro-britannia with that kururugi bastard. he steps over the forming puddle of crimson when leaving the underground room, uncaring that he's breaking script protocols. he's just tired of losing the most important one to him so he has to change some events. 

"lady c.c., have you found nii-san's location?" he can sense her presence when she arrives, pocketing his weapon in his pocket. the witch makes a non commitical sound as she approaches him with graceful movements.

"i have. kururugi has yet to remember anything. are you prepared?"

"is charles aware of our movements?"

"not at all."

"pleasant. when do we go?"

"tomorrow. it's when the two boys return. you remember how it goes?"

"how can i ever forget?"

☆☆

when rolo reunites with kururugi and the brainwashed lelouch, there was a chilling tone in his voice as he smiles down upon them.

☆☆

the death of villetta didn't bring issues to the plans of britannian dogs, it just changed who was what in the script. it doesn't stop lelouch from gambling away anxiety nor did it stop kururugi from wanting to kill zero. the emperor allowed the knight if seven to monitor his unruly son by sending him back to school.

the issue was the knowledge of nunnally with her older siblings, unaware of where her dearest brother was. suzaku promises the young princess that he'd protect her from harm and she's very happy to accept it. 

"i hope they find lelouch soon. i'm so worried about him since he was kidnapped." her worries weren't supposed to take root all because suzaku's actions bred lies. she knew nothing of the emperor's choices nor the cruel britannian flowing in all their blood. so when the knight gently takes her by the hand he as well kneels before nunnally.

"i'm sure we will. the emperor is having me find lelouch."

a bold face lie and it was since the blind princess can't tell. she wasn't so adversed in reading his tone like she is with lelouch. so the princess just smiles at him, squeezing his hand to thank him for the reassurance. she believes in suzaku like she believes in llelouch.

it was just unfortunate both boys were at war with another.

☆☆

lelouch burns the remains of his zero outfit, deciding it was enough. he gives the mask to c.c. when she just walks into the room, and she stares at his hollowed eyes. she as well sees rolo on lelouch's bed and fumbling with his cellphone.

there aren't any words. with the tension and dense atmosphere it was so obvious he had regained memories. but just how much and of what?

☆☆

"i asked him to kill me, because the headache hurt so much! he was going to choke me because he finally gave me a glass of water after all this time!"

"..."

"the glare of a madman, a murderer and a sinner! can you believe he even got father's favor? a bloody dog who lies to himself about reality of the situation just because he can't take it!"

"..."

"he calls us a coward, you and i. but there is a fact he can't simply accept. we are tacticians and we do much more than he. battles are planned like a game of chess as people cannot fight without being directed."

the sound of glass shatters as a gloved fist punches it. the pieces fall like diamond raindrops.

"so why? why?! why do you love someone like him?!"

☆☆

julius paces back and forth, feet stomping against the ground as he does. he's tired of dreaming of a shrine, of sunflowers and the irritating buzz of cicadas humming in his brain. the senses were overloading him in great extremes that any more of it will cause him to collapse into a meltdown.

"lulu? what's the matter?"

he doesn't respond because that isn't his name and he doesn't know the owner of the voice of the president of the student council. he doesn't understand that he's in ashford academy that's long away from euro-britannia. he doesn't get that he's out of his element and anything he does is a warning bell to his enemy. 

"hey, lulu-" 

"lelouch, madam prez is talking to you. isn't it rude to ignore her?"

and of course, of course he was there with the familiar disdain in his voice. julius bites back insults as he turned to face them, mustering a strained smile. pleasantly introduced? might as well be as he didn't know them. 

"was deep in thought, apologies."

the woman proceeded to scold him lightly as kururugi eyes him with an unspeakable hatred, as if unconvinced by his act. 

☆☆

lelouch and julius are two different people that exist in the same psyche in which both attempt to coordinate this mess. both gained the attraction of suzaku in which lelouch remembers that this is where suzaku started to treat him poorly. he also remembers it was nina who ended his life in a game of chess.

so it didn't take long for his plan to set in motion -- nina wasn't truly an issue and he's sure lloyd and cecile will remember how to make that damned nuke. 

it was empty in the school room where he plunges the switchblade's knife into her throat, fascination as it digs through flesh. she squirms and wheezes to breath in air only to cough up bubbles of blood. she flails her arms as he knocks her onto the ground and the chair in use collapses on her. 

he doesn't spare a glance as she takes her laptop of notes and files -- leaving, planning to deliver it to those he knew to benefit from.

and his observer dressed as the knight of round watched from the shadows, the hand with the gun trembling as they witnessed everything.


	6. radio silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters 2, 3 and 4 are connected. chapter 4 lelouch dies due to nina wanting to avenge euphemia even though she's still alive. suzaku finished the death by taking lelouch off life support :)
> 
> the new loop is lelouch waking up as 'julius' and is why its taking longer for memories to return due to charles' geass influence. 
> 
> loop one: not really a 'loop' per say as chapter 1 gives the setting of constant time loops. its technically loop ??? because it can be one of many. 
> 
> loop two: chapters 2, 3 and 4 are the same loop broken down to three chapters. now the ones that remember are varying and those dead are somehow alive. you get to see a peek at each time loop reset, emperor lelouch and knight of 7 suzaku meet in a nameless room and talk. where they get thrown back to is simply unknown but you see how they feel on their different appearances. 
> 
> loop three: the current loop we are now on! julius is dealing with the usual memory issues and julius is now dealing with the psychological trauma. suzaku is also having problems remembering due to… well… the issue with himself, really

if anything, suzaku noticed something was wrong when he came back to ashford academy to keep an eye on lelouch. the news of villetta traveled fast and suzaku was positively sure it had to do something with zero. this lie that he created so lelouch no longer harmed innocent lives was enough. the expectations for his ex friend fell considerably so he knew he had to take it upon himself to do what's right. there was no need for zero or the black knights! he has this. 

" **this isn't what we need to do** ." a voice so clear snaps suzaku from the video footage, body turning instantly to see…

…  _ himself _ ?

before suzaku could open his mouth, this suzaku walks over to him with empty eyes and wearing  **_zero's_ ** outfit?! was this an elaborate joke conducted by lelouch? if so, he needs to act and fast.

" **enough. get out of your delusional hatred** ." this older version of himself says as he grasps the young adult by the wrist and applies pressure, easily pushing him to the ground with the arm pinned against his back. the man ignores the curses and kicks him in the side. 

"what the hell?! let me go, you bastard!" 

" **no. we have** **_much_ ** **to discuss, face to face** ."

the dead tone from his own mouth caused suzaku to feel chills go through his chest and to his arms. 

☆☆

c.c. sighs as she drags nina's corpse to the pier, shoving it inside the water without second thought. the witch doesn't question why lelouch chose to do this especially when he burnt his own uniform to pose as zero. she inhales when the sharks began to circle nina's corpse. that nuke wouldn't be a mistake now. it'd be a weapon purely to rule, to dominate. 

" **_lelouch_ ** . is this the best course?" he wasn't here with her, however. there was a shift in his mood and he had expressed confusion when he seen her. as if he's never seen her before so he won't be seeking her out soon. the mere mention of suzaku made lelouch breaks into hysterics that she had to use a sedative to subdue him. 

c.c. turns and runs off with her thoughts racing. 

☆☆ 

"onii-san, i'll be fine. jeremiah didn't do much damage to me." rolo insists as lelouch bandages his arm, unable to return to lelouch's hollow eyes. meeting jeremiah so early was a whiplash for anyone considering mao hasn't shown up just yet. everything was out of place and the nagging feeling creeps in his skin. rolo knows this because he watches, with each of his death and the memories lelouch kept. he wanted so much to take lelouch away from him in that cell but. but he could only do so much with his geass, with lelouch's body and going against suzaku's raw strength. 

rolo lamperouge loathes suzaku kururugi for all he's done since he knows suzaku would kill lelouch without hesitation. he also knows suzaku fears lelouch greatly, seeing him nothing but as a demon.  **a monster.**

"no. i can't see you harmed."  _ i can't lose you too _ were the additional words in his mind, slender fingers moving from the bandages. he had sent nina's laptop to the black knights so rakshata can access it before the britannian's could. dreams of the lancelot firing it at pendragon often had him wake in a cold sweat so he was acting erratically. there was a pain in his heart. he couldn't explain why he's missing the traitor when there happens to be a large void in his chest. yes, lelouch managed to stop a few unfortunate events ahead of time but…. 

rolo started when lelouch collapses onto the floor, rushing to his side and gently placing his head on his lap. "lelouch! what's wrong? are you alright?" he took one of the elder's hands and squeezes it. 

lelouch doesn't believe in any of it… and rolo could see it.

☆☆

suzaku coughed out blood as he staggers into his room. his brain pounded when attempting to process what happened earlier because, because -- did he simply hallucinate it? to the point he just hurt himself? the wounds on his body says otherwise and his hands shook at the sword slashes they bore. 

it was real.  _ very _ real. 

" _ no _ . no no no… this wasn't real. none of it was real. i'm just stressed." he tries to reason as he collapses on the bed, punching into the mattress. no he wasn't second guessing. no, no no! there's no way that lelouch, the damn traitor, the damn liar would be innocent. but it hurt to breathe.

he just wanted to sleep and forget today.

☆☆

it's been a long time coming, mused lelouch as he stared haughtily at the damned man before him as they were inside of the thought elevator. lelouch ignored the sword of akasha and the agony and despair of the dead. with his fingers laced together and leg crossed over the other, lelouch sneers.

" _ charles _ . you long lost the title of father and marianne of mother. bring the wench here so we can have this dance once again."

"ever the demanding spoiled child you are!" marianne exclaims as she steps up to her husband's side just as lelouch demanded. there wasn't the false motherly smile but the cruel one. it makes lelouch feel only disgust.

"what in  _ seven hells _ are you wearing, my eyesore of a pawn? all the white and gold doesn't match you."

lelouch laughs as he pulls out a black chess piece from his suit's breast pocket and twirls it between his fingers. "the colors of the  **_emperor_ ** , charles. i must say it suits me even if i'm fond of the color scheme my zero outfit has." he licked his upper lip with a predatory look in his eyes.

marianne scoffs, "why do you wish to always reject me? i am your mother and the reason for your revenge! what of nunnally?" her desperation makes lelouch squeeze his hand around his king piece. 

the answer was curt and laced with venom, "you are just a lie, to use me to lure out c.c. you gave no thoughts of us when you threw us to japan." his lips curl back to reveal his teeth. the grief he held was blossoming into full rage. no matter how many times he did this his parents never changed their script. different words perhaps but not a change of mind.

disgusting. abomination. selfish.

"and in japan i was forced to care for my sister that was never blind in the first place! i was forced to meet a boy that is too stupid and impulsive! i was forced to endure sexual favors just to  _ protect _ my sister!" lelouch's rage was building and building, the look on his parent's faces didn't change.

charles snorted, "but you fell in love with japan and it's culture. you fell for the japanese brat you met. you know it was something you could never trade in." 

"he's completely right! and even if he hates you? he cares for you. he isn't indifferent my stupid boy." marianne gives her son a tender smile.

lelouch bristled. how dare they treat him like an idiot?

"how  **_funny_ ** . and you two, what do you think of this?" lelouch snarls as he didn't turn when suzaku and c.c. finally emerged from the dense fog.

c.c. says nothing as suzaku gave a glare to lelouch and his parents. the sword he held was tight in his grip.

"when did you give a damn of what i think? my only goal is to be cut off from you to be free from the memories of losing and killing you."

lelouch laughs -- forced and hysteric. the coldness in suzaku's answer was an indicator that he too remembers. lelouch doesn't even see suzaku scowl at his new suit.

"how boring. two star crossed lovers and selfish parents." c.c. sighs as she squats to the floor.


	7. press reset.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

"sir kururugi, i see you are well. how have you been?" 

"lelouch, you…"

the knight of seven stares at the emperor before him, gaze hardening. no matter what this was lelouch that ruined many lives and  _ stole _ euphi's life. his hands curl into fists as he wanted to punch lelouch in his face. how dare this asshole smile so tenderly at him as if he didn't do  _ anything _ wrong. he stormed over and grabbed lelouch by the throat and slammed him against the wall. 

"why are you smiling?! you don't deserve any sense of happiness after you…" he presses his thumb harshly against the pulse of lelouch's throat. his ears can faintly catch the sound of the  **unseen** grandfather clock. emerald eyes glare into amethyst with many angry emotions bursting through his chest.  _ yet _ this bastard still smiles at him as if he caught him with a net,  **_eager_ ** to go to it's new home. not wanting to see it suzaku just squeezes a little tighter around his neck.

the smile never fades even when his face turns red, even as oxygen is restricted from his lungs. a smile of tender love that suzaku wants to get rid of.  _ lelouch was a demon that deserved nothing but  _ **_hatred_ ** . in fact he just punches the asshole in the gut causing lelouch to hack up air he didn't have. this wasn't enough to satisfy his bloodlust and revenge. another punch to the gut. and another. and another.

ten punches in total and suzaku swears he heard some ribs break. the knight doesn't care because lelouch  **deserves** it all. he even kicks the pathetic body to the wall. 

" _ ha… _ is that  _ all _ you can give me? i thought your hatred for me was much more than that,  _ sir kururugi _ ." lelouch softly says as he struggles to his feet, feeling bruises and blood drip from his lips. he's not bothered by the damage since he encourages suzaku to treat him awfully. the knight glares at him with such  **undeniable** hatred that it blossoms a warmth in his chest. seeing suzaku trying to hold himself back from lashing out, lelouch simply points behind the knight with a faint look of longing.

since suzaku is curious by nature he turns to look at what it was, reeling back when he does. two portraits hang on the wall, one with suzaku and the other with lelouch. even in their own portraits they held a small photo.

suzaku held one of lelouch with his face scribbled out; just as lelouch held one of suzaku with his face scribbled out as well. both held solemn expressions on their faces but any could tell their emotions. suzaku's eyes held an anger and resentment as lelouch held sorrow and acceptance. 

"what the hell is this?" he bites out, storming over to the portraits with every intention to yank them off. he grabs the irritating one with his own  **_guilt_ ** and chucks it downward. he does not need to be reminded. 

"are you having any luck?" lelouch asks from his spot as suzaku was attempting to yank off his portrait. he watches with morbid interest when even a strong person like suzaku can't even take a simple picture off. after a few minutes of struggling the knight just punches it, cursing in japanese when it didn't even form a slightest of dents. 

suzaku doesn't want to see any possibility of lelouch being anything other than a monster. euphemia had always been his dearest love and seeing the cursed geass in both eyes reminded suzaku over and over again.

"what will it take, lelouch? for you to stop taking everything from me? why do you even exist? why did i have to meet you?!" 

if lelouch was hurting he doesn't show it. lelouch's tender expression never changed (  _ but he was dying on the inside _ ).

suzaku doesn't care as he grasps lelouch by the collar with a venomous glare, "why won't you die, lelouch? why won't you ever  _ pay _ for what you did?!"

_ the grandfather clock struck an hour, it's bells tolling to count. the room began to swim and blur. _

☆☆☆

euphemia sits next to the emperor that is her brother, taking one of his hands. he seems so tired. he and suzaku were at odds and the hateful comments could be heard throughout the palace. luckily the geass'd guards heed no attention as they do. she's grateful for that so she can be alone with him. 

"lelouch… when are you and suzaku going to stop being hateful to another?" euphemia questions tenderly as the emperor was reading a duty log. he blinks, nose wrinkling when he hears her voice. "you know you two need to forgive another." euphemia urges him softly. suzaku was shocked to see her when she arrived at the palace after the ceremony, having fallen to his knees by her side. 

lelouch only licks his lips as he sets aside the small wirebound book. "i know he hates me, euphi. i'm doing as he wishes." he rests his cheek in his palm because he recalls suzaku kissing euphemia in a hidden corner of a hallway. how he heard suzaku slurping up between euphemia's legs and how she gasps and moaned.

it made lelouch feel sick and betrayed once more, for suzaku to have a split loyalty between the two! he loathes it.  _ he wants to scream _ . 

" _ ah _ , here is the knight of zero." lelouch numbly greets as he hears the footsteps and he doesn't bother to look up from the elegant floor. euphemia dips her head with a shy expression and her cheeks dusted red (  _ because she remembers the sensations _ ).

suzaku stops before the throne and simply kneeled on one knee and a bow following. 

"i'm here for  _ euphemia _ . i am to spend the day with her at request." in which lelouch's brow twitched and his half sister squeaks. lelouch can't help that suzaku wanted to be with someone else and  _ never _ him. why would he! suzaku hates him because he knows the knight wants to snuff out his life. inhaling deeply he just nods and dismisses them both. 

_ what an eyesore _ .

☆☆☆

"zero requiem… the plan to satisfy suzaku." c.c. stares at her accomplice as lelouch finalized the so called master plan to bring the world together. it disgusts the witch that this was to satisfy the japanese boy's desire and.. ! no, she wasn't happy. in fact she wanted to speak with suzaku for his damn blind selfishness. 

☆☆☆

suzaku didn't feel any remorse when he pushed c.c. onto the ground, tugging off the top of her custom made dress to release creamy breasts. he didn't care for her reasons since he was beyond his own.

"he belongs to me just as euphemia belongs to you." c.c. breathes as his mouth latches onto her right nipple and sucks roughly. she rolls her head back with a soft moan, feeling his cock push inside of her. he thrusts inside of her warmth with a rough pace because they both knew he couldn't be this way with his precious princess. 

suzaku  _ growls _ , biting down on her nipple and tugging as the sound of his hips slam into hers. all he can imagine are amethyst eyes and dark hair, instead of amber and green (  _ instead of violet and pink _ ). he can do this without feeling disgust or having to seek out lelouch just to be around him. 

all he can imagine is how the emperor will be underneath him as he cums right at this moment.

☆☆☆

"get that damn mask away--"

" **no** . take it, suzaku. this is your wish and the geass will finally grant you it: the scapegoat of your impulsive rage."


	8. reverse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suzaku is struggling, and soon he will get his own medicine.
> 
> his inner conflicts are finally making themselves known.

the child before him had tears falling down his cheeks, reminding suzaku of how he once was those years ago. he can't help but stare blankly as the child looks away from him and to the grave behind him. suzaku follows the gaze to see the name written on it, his heart twitching against his will. suzaku should've known the name on there was enough to remind him of how horrible he truly was.

"it's not fair. why did i turn out this way?" 

"..."

"i didn't want to lose him! why did i let this happen?!" 

suzaku could only watch as his child self leans forward to the tombstone and places a kiss on the name carved there. suzaku would love to say he felt nothing from this but he does, a strange fear gripping his gut so tightly. this was the self he locked away so long ago, refusing to want to admit that there were feelings left. here he was standing with the part of him that went through trauma after trying to rescue the friends he met that summer.

"you're awful! i don't want to be like  **you** ! i  _ hate _ you!"

□□

c.c. and suzaku didn't talk as much after their last encounter, not like they had done before; especially since their talk of swords and shields. c.c. still kept herself close to lelouch like a long cat laying on his lap, amber eyes staring up at her emperor rather lazily. if lelouch had noticed it he simply didn't comment as he was reading some paperwork to work further into his plans.

suzaku doesn't cast a glance at either of them though he'll have to admit he's bored. always the perfect knight since euphemia but there was an uneasiness jittering in his nerves. he's mentally pulling off petals of a sunflower (  _ i hate him , i love him, i hate him, i -  _ ) as he awaits lelouch to say  **something** . being dead to the world makes it impossible to have the leisure of doing mundane pleasures. 

"lelouch, everything seems clear on their end." euphemia's voice calls as she enters the throne room, moving out of the way of the once nobles as they were cleaning the floors. the knight of zero blinks as he finally looks over to the emperor as he shuffles through his stack of papers. what was cleared? what did euphemia do? something felt wrong here and he doesn't understand why. 

it was when later that day, lelouch finally called suzaku to the large library with the doors locked and windows shut. the knight's expression remains painfully stern without any sense of compassion to the demon before him. there's something about the expression on lelouch's face that creates alarming bells in his mind. 

then lelouch speaks about geass, wishes, hopes all the while picking up the mask of zero. suzaku wants to grab the mask and break it, shout at lelouch for being so damn stupid but his mouth remains tightly shut. 

"you'll have to kill me in front of the world, to break the chain of hatred which is what i represent." lelouch explains as he simply handed over the mask to suzaku, who wanted to scream even more. suzaku can't explain the sudden fear in his heart because lelouch has to be killed for the horrible sins he did and will eventually commit. 

there was the sobbing in the back of his mind of the lost child that wants to cling to lelouch. steadfast he remains, but he just stares so emptily at the mask. 

all he could do was agree. 

□□

"is this the  _ only _ way, suzaku? why won't  **you** stop him?" euphemia has him cornered while on one of his nightly patrols, two or so months until the dreaded day and she knew of the plan. she had of course voiced her concerns, even cried in her room but lelouch was rather so stubborn that he was adamant that killing him would bring peace. her heart ached because it wasn't right. they were all too young in an old tale of war that she wishes they all could get away from it all.

as the knight of zero looks away with that self loathing look (  _ because he hates himself more than he hates lelouch, said person is his scapegoat to project on _ ) because he has no answer. he refuses to forgive lelouch just like euphemia and nunnally (  _ also shirley _ ) did because his heart is scarred from their clashes. the knight doesn't want to think about lelouch in a positive light but he's jostled from his thoughts as euphemia grabs him by the shoulders, shaking him with such  **_anger_ ** .

"stop, and forgive him! he loves you! you're the most precious to him, possibly as equal to nunnally!"

suzaku feels numb at her words, body freezing as he still stares at the white marble tiles and euphemia  _ actually _ growls that it does entice some fear. 

"i don't appreciate you using me to distract yourself, as much as i thought you still loved me, you  **used** me." voice firm but eyes hardened, she felt validated seeing (  _ and feeling _ ) suzaku flinch under her grasp. "in fact, i feel  _ violated _ when i figured it out! suzaku kururugi, you better talk to lelouch before you do that awful plan! try to convince him to back out of it! this is as much your fault as it is his!"

after all, kids can't play war in the harsh reality.

□□

the knight of seven paces in back and forth in this strange room with the same strange lelouch, and the same unseen grandfather clock. if this is simply a dream… he needs to wake up, more or less to get away from lelouch. it causes great bitterness and hatred to swell in his chest for losing so much, for losing the woman he dearly loves.

"are you  _ that _ restless, sir kururugi?"

a sting of pain, more so in his heart, the gentle tenderness at such a cold and formal greeting. though he  **hates** lelouch (  _ he's sure he does _ ) to death for what he's done to so many innocents, it hurts to hear him use his last name. it would've hurt even more if lelouch used  **_suzaku-san_ ** just because it's his native tongue. an ache punches him in the chest once more that he's lucky to have a cape to wince under. 

"soon,  **my** time will end and we'll meet again in this room. i'm grateful to be around you… even if you hate and detest my entire being." lelouch softly confesses as he places his right hand over his heart, eyes staring at the alice in wonderland themed rug. even if suzaku ever showed anger to him, hatred for his damned sins; lelouch will always love him and trust him. perhaps it's his achilles' heel that shatters his oh so  **_grandiose narcissism_ ** (  _ used lightly _ ) but suzaku is and was the only one to have permission to break down his walls. 

suzaku can't fathom why he feels dread at those words because that implies lelouch will die, and lelouch dying before his atonement would be too easy. no, he felt dread and anger at the implication that he turns on his heel and storms over to the older man clad in  **sickening** white. 

"you don't get to die," he hisses as he grabs lelouch by his throat, squeezing as his hands shake in anger. lelouch only gave him a smile (  _ just like kingsley just like kingsley just like - _ ) that held no sarcasm and wit and suzaku almost doesn't know who this person is before him. he doesn't know how to handle a suicidal lelouch because it doesn't fit him, doesn't fit the summer sunflower memories of his past. 

"sir kururugi, i'm  **deeply** sorry." 

_ no, stop smiling as if dying will solve anything. stop smiling as if it'll clear the blood from your soul! stop, stop, stop! _

"i promised you a better world without hatred and war, i promised you that i'd clear euphemia's name. i intend to keep those promises to you." 

for once, suzaku just stares at the man in front of him without uttering a single word because lelouch is speaking sincerely, so genuinely that it hurts. it hurts so much because it made suzaku feel terrible for lying to everyone that entire year whilst measuring his standards to zero's deeds.

"what… what the hell do you mean?"

he knows damn well but he refuses to believe it, the grandfather clock chiming somewhere and lelouch closing those dull amethyst eyes. the knight wants to shake him awake but he's too frozen in fear to move. all because the thought of lelouch dying, of someone killing lelouch, of lelouch no longer breathing and being buried under the ground --

for once, suzaku kururugi ignores the part of him that wants to blame so that he can press a desperate and needy kiss against the emperor's mouth. he knows he won't remember this when he wakes but this is only a dream, dreams where nightmares and terrors haunt him. lelouch was both due to his own wants to kill him but now the kiss was sweet and tender, lelouch tasting like lavender and mint that his heart aches. 

the last thing before the door opens was lelouch returning the kiss, grasping onto the knight's cape before the room blurred and swirled. 


End file.
